crazy ass bitch moments

i have a lot of unlearning to do.  recently i’ve discovered a playful and totally constructive tool for breaking down some deeply internalized submissive, self destructive female tendencies.  i’ve started noticing this little voice in my head that speaks up anytime i’m establishing boundaries, expressing needs, expressing unpleasant feelings or asking for what i want.  it is a pretty nasty little voice, that criticizes pretty brutally and tries to make me feel like whatever i’m expressing is selfish, overly needy or otherwise unfair to the person i’m expressing it to.  it is a self hating, self censoring filter that i have carried with me for most of my life.  as a woman raised to take care of others before taking care of herself, taught to totally ignore my own needs and desires, to take up as little space as possible and as little emotional attention as possible, it is a well internalized voice that keeps me from expressing healthy boundaries or needs or feelings.

and now i’ve started to pay attention to this voice in a way i never have before.  i’ve started to notice it’s there and to understand that any time it starts screaming in my ear, that i should stop and pay attention.  that whatever i was about to do is probably an opportunity to make a breakthrough in self love and self care.  that i should listen to that voice as an indication that i am actually reclaiming my power to: first know what i want and second to follow through and ask for it express it, whatever.

i’ve started calling these my “crazy bitch moments,” because that’s what the self messaging has been for years.  to express my boundaries, feelings or needs to someone who might be inclined to act accordingly has always felt manipulative or unfair.  but that is fucking crazy!  it is crazy that i have spent years believing that taking care of myself is an act of manipulation, that i have so internalized my good girl training that i chastise myself for saying aloud the things i’m thinking or feeling.  that i doubt their authenticity because i’m afraid my motivations for sharing are unclean.

so from now on i’m celebrating every crazy bitch moment.  as soon as i hear that voice i am going to do a little wiggle, listen real closely and do the opposite of whatever it’s telling me to do.  and each time i succeed i will celebrate a victory for self love!

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. joyce
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 03:00:31

    Nice…in my experience…one can not truly love anyone else until we truly and completely love ourself. A bit of a stretch for lots and lots of folks..yet so true.

    Reply

  2. donnagg
    Mar 01, 2012 @ 21:01:24

    right on

    Reply

  3. donnagg
    Mar 10, 2012 @ 11:51:26

    Oh, and, kill the nice girl inside you moments xoxo

    Reply

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